IVONA ŠIMUNOVIĆ O VRŠNJAČKOM NASILJU: Umjesto upiranja prstom preuzmite odgovornost i reagirajte!

Nasilje među vršnjacima je pojam s kojim se svakodnevno susrećemo i koji nam se na prvi pogled čini vrlo jednostavnim. Nažalost, o njemu se ne govoridovoljno, iako, u posljednje vrijeme, poprima sve veće razmjere. Zbog toga smo vam, dragi čitatelji, odlučili približiti ovu temu kroz razgovor s Ivonom Šimunović, psihoterapeutkinjom i savjetnicom u radu s ljudskim resursima.

Vršnjačko nasilje u školama je problem s kojim se udruženo moraju boriti svi – učitelji, stručni suradnici, roditelji… U kojoj mjeri je važna njihova uloga?

-Važno je pitati dijete s iskrenim zanimanjem kako je, a ne samo koliko je dobilo iz testa. Iako će često odmahnuti rukom, posebno adolescenti, svako dijete treba brigu roditelja. Kada nam dijete priča i povjerava svoje probleme, trebamo ga slušati i doživjeti ozbiljno. Mnogi odrasli teško podnose dječje suze i patnju, imaju potrebu brzo riješiti uzrok problema na način na koji oni misle da bi bilo najbolje, kako bi dijete bilo sretno. Tako znaju često reći: „Nemoj plakati, sve će biti u redu. Samo ugasi mobitel ako te gnjave. Neka ti na jedno uho uđe, a na drugo izađe!”.  Ništa od navedenog ne pomaže djetetu, dapače, stvara mu osjećaj srama i potiče dodatno povlačenje. A ako ne slušamo male probleme svoje djece, neće nam ih povjeriti ni jednog dana kada budu veliki. Najbolje je pustiti dijete da govori što se događa i kako mu je, da ga roditelji saslušaju i zagrle. Tek kada se dijete isplakalo ili na drugi način „izbacilo“ svojeemocije, može se prijeći na zajedničko traženje rješenja. Djeca uče najviše iz primjera svojih roditelja, a i empatija je nešto što se treba naučiti. Roditelji koji sustavno empatijski odgovaraju na emocije djeteta, umjesto da ih omalovažavaju ili čak budu nasilni prema djetetu kad mu je teško, imaju veće mogućnosti za odgoj empatične djece, one koja ne samo da neće činiti bullying, nego će i kao „promatrači“, odnosno svjedoci nasilja, reagirati odgovorno te potražiti pomoć.

S djetetom je ključno graditi odnos povjerenja i sigurnosti od najranije dobi. Na koji način?

-Posljedice ponašanja ne smijemo miješati s nasiljem niti se usmjeravati samo na negativna ponašanja. Posljedica ponašanja je i pohvala, potkrjepljenje, roditeljska pažnja koja se poklanja djetetu kada god se ponaša na način koji roditelji očekuju, kako smatraju da bi se dijete trebalo ponašati, slijedeći njihov primjer, u skladu s jasnim i nedvosmislenim pravilima. Kada dođe do nepoželjnih ponašanja, tada su posljedice također važne, ali bitno je da dijete ne izgubi ljubav i sigurnost roditelja ako je pogriješilo. Mogu mu se uskratiti određene povlastice na temelju čega će znati kako se ubuduće treba ponašati. Djeca koja odrastaju u odnosu s roditeljima na opisani način, neće biti imuna na vršnjačko nasilje ili druge probleme koji se javljaju u tijeku odrastanja.

Kako osigurati učenicima / djeci atmosferu u kojoj bez straha mogu prijaviti nasilje i povjeriti se roditeljima?

-Roditelji ne mogu zauvijek imati kontrolu nad svime što se događa u životu djeteta kako bi ga štitili. Upravo zbog toga odnos povjerenja i sigurnosti razvija se od najranije dobi, kako bi se dijete povjerilo bez straha onda kada je to potrebno. Važno je i da roditelji imaju kontinuiran odnos s djelatnicima u školi kako bi na vrijeme izmijenili bitne informacije, a koje se ne tiču samo školskog uspjeha, „borbe“ za ocjene i bodove.

Nije svaki vršnjački sukob bullying ili nasilje. U čemu je razlika?

-Odrasli bi trebali pustiti djecu da svoje vršnjačke sukobe, koji su normalan dio odrastanja, rješavaju oslanjajući se na sebe i svoja viđenja, eventualno uz vodstvo odraslih. To djecu uči strategijama rješavanja problema, komunikaciji, suočavanju s neugodnim emocijama i pruža im osjećaj vlastite kompetentnosti za daljnji život, nasuprot osjećaju bespomoćnosti i potpunom oslanjanju na vodstvo i upute drugih. Ono što, pak, najjasnije razlikuje vršnjačke sukobe i nasilje je odnos moći. Dok u uobičajenom sukobu obje strane imaju otprilike podjednaku moć (tjelesnu, statusnu…), u nasilju je jednastrana primjetno moćnija. Nadalje, vršnjački sukob obično ima neki konkretan razlog ili povod, primjerice sukob oko toga tko je na redu u nekoj igri, a time ima i rješenje. Nasilje nema konkretan uzrok koji može dovesti do rješenja, čini da se jedna strana osjeća loše, što ponekad samo po sebi postaje cilj. Konačno, razlika je u posljedicama. Dok je za vršnjačke sukobe uobičajeno da se razriješe, da se djeca već sutra normalno igraju i druže, da upadnu u sukob s nekim drugim i slično, dok su njihove emocije tuge i ljutnje kratke i prolazne, kod nasilja se jedna strana sustavno osjeća posramljeno, prestrašeno i usamljeno, što se odražava na njeno funkcioniranje. Kada se dijete povjeri o bullyingu, roditelji se često osjećaju uplašeno i ljuto. Za razgovor s djetetom o ovoj temi vrijede sva ista pravila, kao i za razgovor o bilo kojem drugom problemu koja su ranije navedena, uz jednu iznimku – zaključak razgovora će biti da će se roditelji aktivno uključiti i zaštititi dijete od nasilja. Važno je, stoga, jasno i aktivno djelovati odmah kad se pojavi nasilje, koliko god se banalno činilo.

Roditeljima žrtava, ali i roditeljima počinitelja nasilja treba pomoć i podrška. Kakva je praksa u takvim slučajevima?

-Škole i sve druge institucije, naravno, trebaju postupati po zakonu i protokolima u ovakvim situacijama te uključiti nadležne službe. Čini se da stalno izlaze novi protokoli i smjernice, no vrijeme je da se riječi pretoče u djela – svuda, stalno i sustavno. To se u praksi ponekad ne događa, no umjesto upiranja prstom u škole, svatko od nas može preuzeti odgovornost i reagirati. Ako vidi dijete koje pati, ima informaciju o tome, a nezadovoljan je odgovorom institucija, može im se obratiti više puta. Načina uvijek ima, iako je puno teže ako sve institucije zadužene za skrb i zaštitu djece ne djeluju koordinirano i sukladno pravilima.

Osim žrtava, posljedice imaju i počinitelji nasilja.

-Najčešće posljedice za djecu žrtve su narušena slika o sebi, nedostatak samopouzdanja i samopoštovanja, osjećaj bespomoćnosti, intenzivna ljutnja i tuga, destruktivno  i autodestruktivno ponašanje, odnosno samoozljeđivanje, suicidalnost, razna rizična ponašanja, zlouporaba psihoaktivnih tvari, anksioznost, depresivnost… Ove su posljedice posebno izražene ako je bullying dugotrajan i kroničan te ako dijete ne dobije pomoć od odraslih koji znaju za bullying, što uključuje roditelje, ali i stručnjake.Kada uđemo dublje u pojedinu priču, jasno se može vidjeti da su znakovi nasilja postojali godinama ranije. Djetetu počinitelju nasilja može nedostajati ljubavi, pažnje, može biti i samo žrtva ili svjedok nasilja u obitelji ili negdje drugdje, može imati loše razvijene socijalne vještine i tako dalje. Dakle, osim sankcije za nasilno ponašanje, uvijek i bez iznimke moramo se zapitati što je u pozadini nasilnog ponašanja. Od vrlo rane dobi važno je razgovarati o nasilju te u slučaju pojave odmah prekinuti druge aktivnosti i posvetiti se rješenju problema. Primjerice, zna se dogoditi da se u slučaju teškog nasilja u školi djecu tjera na ispričavanje, rukovanje,ispitivanje pred počiniteljem, što je površno i prividno rješava problem. U stvarnosti ga može samo produbiti, jer djeca gube povjerenja u nas odrasle da ćemo im zaista pomoći. Istraživanja pokazuju da se to i događa, da primjerice manje od petine djece potraži pomoć nastavnika i stručnog suradnika u slučaju nasilja u školi, tako da je ključno raditi na povjerenju, ali i opravdavanju tog povjerenja.

Razgovarala: Antonela Marinović Musa

[email protected]

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